Today I am 30: your fitness coach voices her insecurities about hitting an age milestone
[[[Foreword: I originally posted this on my personal Facebook on my birthday, September 21st of 2017. The insane feedback I got from it inspired me to post it on my site. I received emails, texts, messages and comments on the original post from so many women in different areas of their lives that in some way or another dealt with the same fears and thanked me for voicing mine. It made me realize that I CAN be vulnerable. It won’t scare people away.
As a fitness & wellness figure, it can be scary to admit that you don’t have it all figured out. In some area of your brain, you’ve convinced yourself that your clients will leave if you show any iota of imperfection. How can I coach other women to love themselves when I’m not sure I’m all that jazzed about myself today? News flash, babes: Everyone has doubts. Everyone second guesses themselves sometimes. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not perfect. Somedays I’m freaking out! These women trust me! I can’t let them down! I have to set a good example for them! And there it is: while helping you beautiful babes to your own happiness and health, I am also reminding myself on the daily how to love myself, how to respect my body and how to see the best in others.
Every single one of you is worthy of greatness. Every single one of you deserves love and laughter. Do I feel ashamed to have been upset by turning 30? A little. Ageing is a privilege denied to many. Am I moving forward with a greater love for myself and the good I want to do in the world? Absolutely.
OK, read on.]]]
I always thought I was supposed to have it all figured out by 30. Or something like that. 30 seemed like a distant mark. A milestone you just know you’ll have all these important things accomplished by. It’s all going to happen before I’m 30! All the greatness!
And then you realize 30 is right around the corner and you’re not where you thought you’d be.. Not that you ever really gave much thought to where, exactly, you’d be, but you just knew you’d be doing something world changing.
I won’t lie to you: I’ve cried numerous times in the past few weeks. I’m not a “crier.” It messes up my makeup, makes my eyes puffy… I just choose not to do it. Like, ever. So I’ve been reflecting on the mistakes I’ve made, the missteps I’ve taken, the backtracking, the gazillion “new starts.”
I was divorced at 26. I never wanted children so I figured I was defective somehow. I moved towns/states so often that even I have a hard time telling you where I’m from. I’m awkward, I think too much, I get down on myself too often. I feel like I’m always second guessing myself. I have a strange sense of humor. I get nervous in crowds. I’m always worried that people won’t like me.
Dammit, why isn’t everything figured out for me at 30??
Then last night it hit me: Life is messy. But so damn gorgeous. Every “mistake” I thought I made shaped and formed me into the person I am today. And I love the person I am today. Sure, I’m always striving for improvement, but that’s just what I do. Life isn’t a perfect timeline, at least not for me. I’ve lived in so many states and I love every single one of them for the experiences I gained there.
I’ve met so many people, some I vibed with and some I didn’t. And it’s all beautiful. It’s all life and it’s all mine. And I’m proud of where I am today. Nothing’s perfect, especially that person you see online that seems to have it all figured out—they don’t. And that’s ok too. We are constantly growing and evolving. Isn’t it awesome?
I did this photoshoot because I decided to celebrate the number that has been haunting me and freaking me out for years. I’m happy where I am. I’m happy at 30. I’m happy drinking champagne and smearing cake all over myself, because who the hell cares? Life’s messy. And fun. And you can either fear it, hide under that rock and let that fear limit you, or you can celebrate it. Grow with it. Forgive yourself for the silliness and move forward with love.
And that’s what I’m choosing to do.
Happy birthday to me.